10-10-16

Hello my love,

We have been so crazy town lately!!

We have officially hit the year and a half mark! Thank you for making the past year and a half of my life the happiest, most exciting of my entire life.

We rented a Slingshot last weekend, and it was absolutely crazy fun! We went way up north, all the way to Wolfeboro! We even got to go to that little brewery that you really really liked! It started pouring on the second day we had it, and even that was incredibly fun. I loved it and we had a whole lot of fun!

This past weekend, we went to the Topsfield Fair in Mass. We ate tons of fair food, you won me a cow, and we got our first caricature done together! Also, I got licked by a cow and it was awesome.














We're getting ready to go to Rochester for Frank and Teresa's wedding. You don't seem very excited for this. If anything, it seems like you don't want to go at all... I don't know how to get you excited... I feel like I'm to blame for this..

I'm so sorry that I'm so crazy about weddings right now, its hard to explain out loud, but I feel like I'm surrounded by engagements and weddings and every week there are more and more. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we aren't ready but I just feel this immense pressure to be at that point. Its like because we aren't there, its like we're being left behind, or we're falling behind from where we're supposed to be...

You make me so happy, you make me believe in a future for the first time in a really really long time. You make me believe in forever. You make me believe that I can be with some one for keeps. You make me believe in so many things..

I love you so much Kevin. You are my very best friend and I know that someday we will be planning a really great party to celebrate us and how much we love each other. We'll let everyone know that we pick each other for keeps and that we don't want to kiss anybody else. I know that we will get there. I know that we will try 75 different cakes and look at pretty places to have the party and narrowing down the people we invite. I know that we will get there.. its just hard for me sometimes.

So essentially, I'm sorry if I'm the reason you aren't excited for your brother's wedding as much as you should be, I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out about this. I don't mean to, I promise.

I think I'm going to try to include more pictures in this thing from now on, I think you'd like that.

Your's,
M

9-17-16

Hello my love,

I'm sorry that it's been so long but we've been very crazy lately. We have it both your parents and her only up for a week which was nuts we got through it. I've been working crazy hours lately and we've both been stressed the fuck out.

Your parents' visit was really nice and I feel like your parents really saw me for the first time. Your dad gave me a real dad hug and it was really awesome. I saw your mom as Princess Michele for the first time and we had a good chuckle about it after the fact.

Having Hurley here was also really nice. I hope you enjoyed it. You seemed to...

Since last time we have three babies now: George, Pablo, and Steve Bushemi. They are beautiful fish even though George is a fucking asshole and beats up the other two...

We went apple picking at Lull Farm in Hollis and brought back10 gallons of cider to make hard cider for Frank and Teresa's wedding (and also some for us!!)

Last night we had really beautiful, lovey but also intense sex and I have the bruises to prove it.

Last night we also made chicken tiki marsala and it was delicious. I love so much when we cook together. It's one of those things that prove we're better as a team. We also finished Dr. Strangely Strangelove, which I very much enjoyed.

Today you got fitted for a tux for Frank's wedding and visited me at work. We got Buffalo Wild wings for lunch and I got to stare at your beautiful face.

Tonight we brewed the second thing (your delicious Celtic red) for your brothers wedding. Tom from the home brew store came over and we had a really great time. We had many different discussions about beer and feminism and rap and it was quite lovely.

I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is knowing that you are always by my side.

You're back from the potty!!! Can't let you in on this secret quite yet!!!

Your's
M

8-2

Hello my love,

I am tummy sick because you were tummy sick. We do love sharing with each other,don't we?

I don't think I tell you enough how much I appreciate the fact that you always show love. Love is a verb, thank you so much for not having to say that you love me out loud  (but thank you so much for actually saying it.)

You are currently making me soup from scratch and I'm posted up in the yogi yogibo on the kitchen floor with a puke bucket next to me. I'm sorry that I got so sick bub. Thank you for always taking care of me. These moments really feel like forever to me. 

Your new laptop comes in tomorrow!! For whatever reason they sent it to Texas... what butts.

Anyways, I love you. I hope that you know how much I love you without me having to say words. I always always always want to be showing you how much I love you

Xoxo
M

https://youtu.be/doZOMXh_oIk

7-7

Hey baby!

You have been really stressed out about work lately. I wish I could do something to help because you get so stressed out and I feel bad. I know that it sucks so much that they expect you to do so only so much in such a little time frame. I wish that I could help make it not so horrible or be able to take something off of your work plate.

This weekend you're going to Buffalo with out me to clean out your old room and go through your old stuff. I wish I could explain in a better way how much I would want to go with you. I know that my reaction when I saw the picture in your old apartment of Amanda with your family really impacted you. I wish I could understand how to explain it to you better than it's different for you to have something in New Hampshire versus something that's hidden in your bedroom in Buffalo.

When I was cleaning out my old bedroom I found so many things and reminders of experiences and artifacts of things that I've never even thought to tell you about. I want to know everything about you I want to know how you got to me. I know it's weird to hear from me but I really do want to know about the path that you took to get to me, and I know a big part of that is who you have been with romantically or just physically.

I just want to be able to see like a little baby awkward Kevin. I want to see horrible chess club pictures and learn about different stories and hear about your experiences for things. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I have changed my mind earlier. The way that you had talked about it made me think that you didn't want me to go. It was never a question of if I wanted to it was more of a statement of "you're going to hate your life."

I really do hope that you read this and reminisce on how much of a fun time you had while you were in Buffalo.

I love you so much baby.

Xoxo
M

6-20-16

Hello my love,

We have both been so lovey lately, its so wonderful. Today is the first official day of Summer and it fucking shows. Its about 92* right now and we're both struggling...

I cannot wait until you finally get all of this, I hope you like it.

This past weekend was Matt and Rosa's party. We had a really good time and held our own in pong for like three games. I love when we do things as a couple. Going somewhere and walking in with my hand in your hand. There's something about being seen as your's that makes me feel so proud. I always seem to walk a little straighter and feel a thousand times sexier when I'm by your side.

You're home and I'm not good at being sneaky with this.

I love you!

xoxox M

6-5-16

hello baby,

We've been arguing and talking about sensitive topics (I.e. Marriage and stuff) a lot while you've been in Arkansas.

Last night I just sat in bed and cried. I cried because I miss you and I don't like not knowing what's coming. I cried because it's hard for me to imagine you on one knee. I cried because I feel like I'm failing at womanhood or being sexy or making you love me to the point that it's irrational simply because we aren't engaged yet.

I don't even know what to say about it right now but you're on a plane and it's raining and I'm really fucking nervous.

I just need your arms around me and your hand on my fave and your lips on my lips: I need to look at you and know that we're going to be okay. We're going to be okay, right?

My brain isn't working well and I needed you this week and you couldn't be by my side and truthfully I was really hurt that everything happened the way it did. That you never even thought to ask Chris if I could come... I think it's worse because you're never like that. You always remember. You always go above and beyond.

My head hurts.

You're supposed to land soon and I am so ready for you to be home baby.

I love you even when it's hard to. I love you for the person you are. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Whenever you're ready to ask me, I already know my answer.

I am the luckiest.

Xox
M

5-3-16

Hello my handsome man,

Today I brought my first suitcase to Wilton. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 😊😊😊

I'm currently laying in bed because my heart is pounding so hard it's a little scary. I wish you were here to hold me and tell me I'm safe. I told you I was having anxiety issues and you sent me this: 

"*hugs tightly and pulls you tight against me* I'm always here for you darling, I'm here to support you, love you, make you unable to walk, to protect you, to help you succeed and grow in everything you do. I'm yours and you are mine, and with that being true, we can accomplish whatever we want to put our minds to"

I hope that when you read this, you still feel like this. 

6-1-16

Hello Dearest,

I am currently concussed so this might not be a very long entry.. (Also Ryan is yelling at me to get off of my phone, he is making me say that.)

I'm sorry it's been such a long gap between entries. Between moving in(!!!) and getting the promotion , things have been crazy.

You left for Chris's wedding today. I know you're going to have so much fun and I'm so excited for you! I know seeing Chris is such a big deal for you and you get to spend so much time with him this week!!!

I'm so nervous that you're away and my brain is so weird right now. I always feel better when you're around. I was iffy most of today until you came home...

I feel like I'll be writing here a bunch while you're away telling you all of my misadventures with doctors and bullshit. Because I'm going to want to tell you all of that but I don't want to disturb you. I never want to seem like the "CRAZY GIRLFRIEND". I never want to be someone that holds you back from doing things like this weekend.

I'm sorry that "bachelor party" has such negative connotations in my head... I trust you more than absolutely anyone in the universe. I just don't trust anyone else... I know that things happen, but I never want anything like that to get in between us.

You are the love of my life and I'm so excited to meet Chris someday. (Hopefully before our wedding.)

I am so excited to have you in my arms again my love.

Your's always,

M

5-2-16

Hello my wonderful, handsome man,

We are having the first conversations about me moving in with you... 

It's such an exciting and new and fun thing but at the same time, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm scared I'm not making enough money to do this, I'm scared that we're going to implode, I'm scared we're going to fight.

I want this. I want to start building our life together. I want to call your place home. I believe we're ready for this. But, it's not an apartment, it's a HOUSE. 

I don't know if I can explain this properly or in a way that will make any sense. When something breaks at your apartment, you call your landlord and ask for the to fix it. If you aren't happy in that apartment, you leave the next year. There are utility included options. There are so many things... I guess I wish we had met a year earlier so that we would have an apartment not a house, I suppose. But I don't mean that because you love your house... I wouldn't want to take that away from you. Maybe this will all work out and we won't have to worry about me being Israel anymore. 

But I'm not ready to have a house to take care of. I want to live with you, but thinking about the upkeep makes me want to throw up. Thinking about what would happen if I couldn't pay as much as you wanted me to makes me want to shoot myself. Maybe you can be my landlord and I'll pay you in rent or something. I don't fucking know.

I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want this to be the eyeopening "wow, I really could be doing better than this bitch." Moment for you. 

So it's currently 4:27am and I'm applying for jobs that will give me more money so that I can live with you and not live off of Ramen and the salt from my own tears.

****


It's technically midnight so realistically I should make a post for tomorrow.. Whatever ✌🏻️

Cleaning out my room today was such a "holy shit this is actually happening" moment for me. I'm still really nervous that this isn't going to pan out after we have the money conversation. I don't know. Realistically I already "live there" so maybe you're going to think of it more like any form of rent would be a good thing...

I am looking into better jobs now though. I really want this to work... I want to live with you and share a closet and a house and all that stuff. I want to walk in and say "hey baby I'm home." Because you feel like home.

I wish you weren't on call this week so we could have all of these talks now and they wouldn't be hanging over our heads.. But I mean we have the rest of our lives to enjoy living together.

I love you so much Kevin. I am so excited to be making this step with you, to be working towards our life together and getting closer to each other :)


I love you bub.

Always your's,
m

4-25-16

Hello my love,

 You've been so stressed lately. I wish I knew a way to make it easier for you. I do everything I know how to and everything I can think of to help, but sometimes I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like there is always something else I could do if I could only think of it. I don't know, I worry that I don't do enough to show you that I'm here for you. I know you're a very internal person and that it's hard to put your stress into words, so I try to push you to talk about it and I never know if that's helpful or hurtful. I promise I'm always just trying my best to help.

Lately we've been joking about what our first dance will be. Today you suggested Andrew W. K.'s party hard. I laughed so hard at work that I had to explain why I was laughing to a manager (who was right next to me). You always do put a smile on my face. Whether it's because you're being goofy or kind or sweet or just because I look at you and know that you are mine. I've been called so many things over the course of my life (both good and bad) but being called your's is my favorite and I think it always will be.

You're on call these next two weeks and I know that's your like least favorite thing ever. I am so amazed by how hard you work and it's clear that you're respected at work (even if you annoy people sometimes.) Maybe I'll try to do something fun for you while you're on call this time to make it suck a little bit less.

Fuck, I'm so in love with you. Sometimes when I write these I think about future Kevin reading all of this and wonder how you'll be then, how much we will have grown as people and as a couple. I wonder if you'll still have the mustache and how things will be with us.

You're home!!!

I love you so fucking much Kevin. I hope you see how much you mean to me.

Xoxo
M

4-11-16

Hello my love,

Your parents should be here any minute so naturally I'm freaking the fuck out and you aren't here to forehead kiss me better. I'm so sorry I've been so anxious. I know that its not always easy to deal with, but thank you for being so patient and loving about it always.

Hopefully I will not be so nervous and will be able to enjoy seeing your parents. I owe those people so much happiness. I know you don't always agree with your mom, but she gave me you... that's like incredible. That's the greatest.

Oh, bub. I wish you were here already. You would know what to say to me to make me calm down and stop freaking out like an asshole.

Cue the garage door. Perfect timing my love.

I love you so much
M

4-10-2016

Hello my love!

Well, I immediately fucked up the everyday thing.. my bad...

Today we are making kimchi! I'm secretly very thankful you agreed to use the cooler I made for you. I feel bad that I got you a birthday present that you have never used... That could just be me overthinking, you could love it...

Your parents are coming tomorrow. I know that they like me but I want them to "please spend the rest of your life with my son" like me... I know that its silly to you sometimes how much I worry that they don't like me all that much, but I really hold what your parents think of me in a really high regard.

I've noticed something and it could just be me being paranoid as fuck, but I feel like there's only one of us using the "m" word and that would be me..* Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I'm just like wowza, I want you and you and no one else but you. So I'm not afraid to say those things because I genuinely feel like I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life.

Oh my god... You like want to actually get married someday, right?

Sorry I'm very anxious today. A customer was very aggressive and it wasn't a good situation.

You're starting to get suspicious of me because I'm not helping with dinner yet, so I have to run!

I love you more and more everyday.

xoxo
M



*Marriage/Marry/etc.

April 7th, 2016

Hello my love,

I am currently sitting on the couch with you. Being especially sneaky lately, look at me go! I couldn't even give you any words to tell you how much it meant to me that you sneakily wrote me your thoughts over a month that I'm challenging myself to write you (nearly) everyday until our second anniversary. (may all the gods be with me)

Today was a weird day for me. I feel like I've been having a lot of days that are roller coasters, really bad things happening and then really good things happening. Today a man overdosed in front of Old Navy.. Its a weird thing to be from New Hampshire lately... I know that you always make fun of NH, but I wish you could see it the way that I saw it. New Hampshire was the first love of my life. Now New Hampshire is full of heroin and cows.

I had my second therapy appointment today. Thank you for being so incredibly supportive of me going back to therapy. Thank you for letting me make the call and not pushing me to do so.

You are currently a bit sickly, Bub. You get extra stubborn when you're sick. Your pouty face is looking at me.

So essentially.

Welcome to this, your super secret blog to be filled with love and memories and everything we go through this year. I will do my best to not go back and edit, even though it goes against everything I've been taught.

I am the luckiest.
M