4--1-17

Hello baby!

Welcome to the only surprise I've ever been able to not spoil for you!

This blog is a collection of thoughts and memories from the past 364ish days. There are some things I meant to write about and never got around to, there are some things I probably rambled on for a little too long.

I love you more than anything Kevin. Thank you for lighting up every single day for the past two years. Thank you for being you and opening up to me. Thank you for all that you do for me and all that you do for us.

I'm so proud and honored to be yours baby.

Happy Anniversary,
Yours,
M

3-21-17

Hello my love,

We have been so crazy lately with Manya. We took her to the Merrimack Outlets yesterday and she did so so good. We were able to be calm(ish) when we met new people, we were sitting and listening before we were able to say hello to new friends.

It seems like our lives are run by a 5 pound, 11 week old schnauzer. She is so great and we love her so much and its going to get better as she gets older, but right now she needs us all of the time and its very draining for both of us. I feel like we haven't talked, just talked the two of us about us and our thoughts and feelings and dreams and all of that. It makes you seem so far away. I know you need that too, but I need that so desperately.

It is really weird lately, everyone is still asking me what I'll be like when we have kids. Its so weird to me that the assumption is made that we will reproduce at some point. I think you would be really great at it, especially with how you are with Miss Manya.

I also just realized that none of the posts that I tried to post via my phone actually posted and they just keep failing to upload. The person I would ask to help me with this issue would be you, but that would be a little weird, huh?

I love you Kev, I know I say that every single post, but fuck you are the most wonderful and caring man I've ever known. The way you love me is indescribable. You are so subtle in every way you verb for me. I notice. I notice (hopefully) every time. I notice when you catch yourself putting pepper or hot sauce in something, realize it might be too much for me, but not enough for you and then adding it to your own portion later. I notice that you turn the water up a little bit warmer when I get into the shower.

I notice that you always put my keys back in the key box. I notice that you move my jammies back to my side of the bed after I throw them on the floor of the bathroom. I notice that you never complain about turning off the lights as I run upstairs. I notice that you always ask me how I want to cuddle, even if we're both sore and feeling 85 years old.

I know that sometimes I'm not the easiest person to love sometimes. I know I am needy, I know my schedule sucks, I know I'm picky and I get nervous about everything. I know that I don't tend to be the most patient person (ever). I fucking love you. I love you more than anything. I feel like the better version of me when I'm with you. Thank you for pushing me and challenging me.

I love you baby
Your's
M

7-31-16

Hello my love.

Yesterday we had our very first party together! It went really well!! Even though there wasn't technically a winner of beer olympics, everyone had a really good time!

Hosting by your side felt like forever, but I was toodrunk to tell you that without it proceeding to very gross miranda drunk make out session.

I'm so happy that I have you to count on baby. I could have been really sad all day that people blew me off. Thank you for always being so supportive and understanding.

I didn't mean to cry on you the night before but I had really hoped that they would change their minds or something. Thank you for reminding me that people did come and that you will always be by my side.

We are currently driving Ryan home (I'm getting extra risky lately) listening to the song Lola (which I'm literally just realising is about a non-cis woman.

I love you so much baby.
xoxo
M

3-20-17

Hello my love!

We are just about 2 weeks away from you seeing all of this! Crazy!

Manya knows how sit, lay down and leave it (when she isn't a demon puppy.) She recognizes friends and gets really really excited when we get home (or come back inside.)

It is so wonderful watching you with her, she loves you so much and I hate to ruin your street cred, but she definitely has you wrapped around her little paws.

You do so well with her baby. You have so much patience and love for her, it's amazing. I love watching you be with her and playing with her and cuddling her.

I am so beyond amazed at how far we've come in the past year. You are my very best friend and it's so wonderful to be able to watch you grow.

I'm so in love with you baby.
Thanks for putting up with me for so long.
M

3-7-17

Hello my love,

Well. Things have been insane lately. We picked up our little Manya two weeks ago today. She is so smart and beyond cute, but she is also incredibly time consuming and needs us 96% of the time. We are both pretty stressed, getting the shit bitten out of us, not sleeping well and super busy running after a puppy.

I promise you that I'm trying to make sure I kiss you within 5 minutes of you coming home. I promise you I'm trying to have conversations that aren't schnauzer focused. I promise you that I'm still putting out.

Dylan spent the last two days with us. Thank you so much for being so understanding. It's so hard for him to be with Moe for so many reasons. I'm so grateful that you and Dylan get along so well. I've always wanted that; a significant other who gets along with (and is adored by) my entire family.

Yesterday would have hit my two week mark of not smoking, but I had a slip up.. but I got a vase today and I'm really hopeful that it will be really helpful.

Our anniversary is on the kitchen calendar now! Seeing that is such a "holy smokes" moment. I can't believe that I've been able to kiss you (almost) every day for 2 years!!!

Being yours is such an honor, Kevin. I genuinely believe I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I love you. I can't imagine being held or kissed or made love to by anyone but you. You are the one I want. I choose you.

Thank you for the two best, happiest years of my entire life.

I love you so much Kevin.

Your's,
M

1-12-17

Hello my love,

Yesterday was such a big day for us!

We got to meet (drum roll for puppy name announcement....) Manya for the first time! She is so so little right now. She's just about the same size as her little piggy toy.

I think we both feel a little bit better about the breeder now. Patricia was very nice in person and we agree she has no idea how to use technology.

Holding her and watching you hold her was such a wonderful experience. I know some day  (and maybe when you read this) we will be running on empty and our patience will be running thin. All I ask of both of us is that we remember how it felt to hold her for the first time.

We got another two pint glasses for having flights at 603! NOTE TO FUTURE US: DON'T HAVE THE RUM STOUT!!

We got pad Thai for dinner and it was so so yummy!

We also got to see Haggis last night!! They were really good (as usual) but we both agreed Trevor might be getting sick (or old)

When they played Letters, you ran back to me from the bathroom. I tried not to get emotional, because I know about this blog and I feel like a lot of why this blog exists is because of that song. It means more to take the time to write to you, even when you're in the next room over and I'm frantically typing as fast as I can so you don't get suspicious.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't write to you as often as I'd like to. I don't want you to think that this was a silly project I half ignored and half was totally into.

I'm so in love with you, baby.

I really feel like Manya coming home is about to be a crazy, stressful, really rewarding and happy time. We're a team, always. We get through stuff together because that's when we're strongest.

#GoTeam

XOXO
M

1-8-17

Hello my love,
It snowed yesterday and now on my day off I am lounging in bed even though it's almost 11!!

We have a big weekend ahead of us! We get to meet our baby girl!!! I'm so excited.  I know you are too bub. It's really funny to me that you and I are so different in how we show our excitement.
I feel like we will figure out her name this weekend, too. We currently have a top 3: Tulip, Manya and Kaylee May.

It's hard for me to have it seem real workout meeting her, you know? I'm so excited for her to come home. 

I know that when you read this, she will still be very much a puppy and she will most likely be testing our patience currently but just remember how excited we were now. How excited we are to figure out where you buy her food or me spending two hours in pet stores at a time. She will learn, she will stop having accidents, she will stop crying at night. She's only a baby now, but I know we're doing our best with her.

We played a bunch with siding last night. We really like the grey with maroon trimming and the blue with white trimming.

It's crazy to me to think of how far we've come in the past year already (we still have two more months to go from where I am in time!)
Thank you baby. For everything you do, for everything you are to me, for being you.

I am so grateful for you Kevin Anthony. You are the man of my dreams and even better than that, You're the man I get to hold at night.

Your's always,
M

1-6-17

Hello my love,

Today we have decided which breeder we are going to get our puppy from and when you get home tonight, we are going to put down the deposit!!!! In fact, by the time you read this, we will have a little munchkin running around the house!!! AHHH THATS SO EXCITING!!!!

We are probably gonna go to a pet store tonight and start gathering up supplies, like a bed and maybe some toys. I can't even tell you how excited I am to get started on this adventure with you!! When you get home, you'll probably find me taking notes on the puppy book you got me and possibly crying in excitement.

We should be able to pick up Puppy on February 24th! I have already requested the time off so we can spend her first weekend here with the two of us and we can make sure she is safe and can get comfortable.

When I first threw down the "if I move in with you, we're going to get a puppy" proposition, I was a little convinced that I would never be moving in with you. I think that the timing is so good for getting her. We can train her at home and get her used to obeying us and then take her out into the world and meet people before its time to go out to dog parks and make new puppy friends!

I have so many ideas to share with you about getting her socialized! We can have Hurley over with my mom and Dylan and my Auntie Linda can come bring Beau (who is a rather large dog) over to meet her so she doesn't get scared by bigger puppies. We can have Matt and Rosa bring Rufus over maybe? (also maybe not because I'm not trying to clean that drool up) 

I hope that you're as excited as I am baby. I hope this means as much to you as it does to me. This, in my eyes is making our family. I know that sounds super cheesey and lame, but you are my family and I think that having a puppy together that we can raise and love and spoil (but not too much, I promise) would be so so wonderful for us. It will be challenging at times, I won't lie, but I think it will make us so much stronger as a couple and as individuals.

You are my whole world, Kevin. I'm so excited that I get to fall asleep in your arms every night and wake up to your morning hair and give you a sleepy kiss goodbye every morning.


ALSO! (I feel like its kind of been a big day)
You talked to Fish today and WE are going to his wedding! I'm really so excited to meet your college friends! I hope they like me!

You are my best friend and I'm so lucky that I get to kiss you.


Your's
M

11-7-16

Hello my love.

Things have been absolutely insane lately. So let's do a run down shall we?

Frank and Teresa's wedding!
We went to Rochester and it was so much fun! You took me to Jay's Diner, Mighty Taco. You gave me a tour of RIT including The Answer. (I also referred to college students as "kids" for the first time in my life.) We got some pints at MacGregors and it was so wonderful to be able to see all of the places your college adventures happened. It meant so much to see you light up and tell me story after story about random bars, streets and happenings.

I am so lucky to be able to have you now Kevin. I am constantly grateful for you. I am grateful for your experiences, for where you have been, for who you have been with before me, and how different our paths to each other have been. Everything you've done and been through before me has created the most wonderful, caring man I've ever known. That path brought you to me and I will never be able to thank the universe enough for that,

I spent a bunch of quality time with Teresa while you and Frank went to Toronto. I'm quite lucky to have her as an Outlaw.

The wedding went so well. We danced our faces off and I'm very much looking forward to seeing the pictures of us from it. We got to spend so much time with your nieces and your family. It was the first time that I really felt like your family was my family.

1-4-17

Hello my love,

You had to go back to work yesterday and you were less than pleased about it, but you didn't have as many emails as you expected!

You are just getting over a sinus-y thing, so naturally I am currently getting it. You always try so hard to get me to not kiss your face when you're sickly but I can't go too long without Bub kisses.

Today is a little hard for me. It might be because I am getting sickly, it could be because I'm on my period, it could be a combination of both? I feel like I'm in such a lull lately, I feel like I only feel like me when I am with you. I don't know if that makes sense. I feel like I'm the me-est me when I'm with you.

You had a meeting all day long today. You are so wonderful and patient. Now after you have had a long day at work and now you are on your way to get food for us. You are the most wonderful man on the planet baby. I have no idea how I got so fucking lucky to have found you. You have no idea how much you mean to me, how much you do for me. I've never met anyone like you Kevin. You have shown me love in so many ways. You show me love in every single thing you do, every single day. I could never thank you enough for that. I constantly think what I ever fucking did to become so lucky.

Thank you for making me believe in love again. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for everything you do for me, from the forehead kisses, to the massages, to grabbing dinner for us after a long day of work.

I love you so much baby,

Your's always
M

1-2-17

Hello my love,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! We rang in the new year with Dylan and Kaitlin! We played board games and had delicious mussels and Buffalo wings!

I know I tell you all the time, but I genuinely can't tell you enough how much it means that you and my brothers get along so so well. Having Dylan have a safe is so important right now and I'm so happy that it's our home.

I always get so nostalgic when it's the new year. I can't stop thinking about the first time I was in your apartment in the mills cuddling up on Ashwins couch watching a movie you knew I'd really like. I remember my heart beating a mile a minute every time you squeezed me or pulled me in closer. I remember how embarrassed I was coughing up a lung every 2 minutes.

I remember you leaning in for our very first kiss. I remember the swarm of butterflies and the immense feeling of anticipation. The most wonderful part is that when one of us gets home, I still feel that, nearly two years after the very first kiss. Every kiss gets me tingly and butterflies explode in my tummy.

I remember trying to flirt with you but having no game. Never knowing then what you would mean to me now.

I remember telling my friends about you for the first time. Giggling over how cute is thought you were (and still Giggling about how cute you are now).

We've already come so far together baby. I'm constantly amazed by the growth that you've had in the past year and a half. How much better you are at expressing yourself, how much easier it is for you to speak on your emotions, how well you express sexually desires. I'm so proud of you baby.

I love you so much Kevin.

2016 was such a shitty year, but I got through and read all these entries about our adventures and remember that even in the shittiest year, there was still sunshine because you were by my side fighting for us and our happiness. Laughing and loving our way through this dark, oftentimes scary world...

I love you more than anything,
Your's
M

10-10-16

Hello my love,

We have been so crazy town lately!!

We have officially hit the year and a half mark! Thank you for making the past year and a half of my life the happiest, most exciting of my entire life.

We rented a Slingshot last weekend, and it was absolutely crazy fun! We went way up north, all the way to Wolfeboro! We even got to go to that little brewery that you really really liked! It started pouring on the second day we had it, and even that was incredibly fun. I loved it and we had a whole lot of fun!

This past weekend, we went to the Topsfield Fair in Mass. We ate tons of fair food, you won me a cow, and we got our first caricature done together! Also, I got licked by a cow and it was awesome.














We're getting ready to go to Rochester for Frank and Teresa's wedding. You don't seem very excited for this. If anything, it seems like you don't want to go at all... I don't know how to get you excited... I feel like I'm to blame for this..

I'm so sorry that I'm so crazy about weddings right now, its hard to explain out loud, but I feel like I'm surrounded by engagements and weddings and every week there are more and more. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we aren't ready but I just feel this immense pressure to be at that point. Its like because we aren't there, its like we're being left behind, or we're falling behind from where we're supposed to be...

You make me so happy, you make me believe in a future for the first time in a really really long time. You make me believe in forever. You make me believe that I can be with some one for keeps. You make me believe in so many things..

I love you so much Kevin. You are my very best friend and I know that someday we will be planning a really great party to celebrate us and how much we love each other. We'll let everyone know that we pick each other for keeps and that we don't want to kiss anybody else. I know that we will get there. I know that we will try 75 different cakes and look at pretty places to have the party and narrowing down the people we invite. I know that we will get there.. its just hard for me sometimes.

So essentially, I'm sorry if I'm the reason you aren't excited for your brother's wedding as much as you should be, I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out about this. I don't mean to, I promise.

I think I'm going to try to include more pictures in this thing from now on, I think you'd like that.

Your's,
M

9-17-16

Hello my love,

I'm sorry that it's been so long but we've been very crazy lately. We have it both your parents and her only up for a week which was nuts we got through it. I've been working crazy hours lately and we've both been stressed the fuck out.

Your parents' visit was really nice and I feel like your parents really saw me for the first time. Your dad gave me a real dad hug and it was really awesome. I saw your mom as Princess Michele for the first time and we had a good chuckle about it after the fact.

Having Hurley here was also really nice. I hope you enjoyed it. You seemed to...

Since last time we have three babies now: George, Pablo, and Steve Bushemi. They are beautiful fish even though George is a fucking asshole and beats up the other two...

We went apple picking at Lull Farm in Hollis and brought back10 gallons of cider to make hard cider for Frank and Teresa's wedding (and also some for us!!)

Last night we had really beautiful, lovey but also intense sex and I have the bruises to prove it.

Last night we also made chicken tiki marsala and it was delicious. I love so much when we cook together. It's one of those things that prove we're better as a team. We also finished Dr. Strangely Strangelove, which I very much enjoyed.

Today you got fitted for a tux for Frank's wedding and visited me at work. We got Buffalo Wild wings for lunch and I got to stare at your beautiful face.

Tonight we brewed the second thing (your delicious Celtic red) for your brothers wedding. Tom from the home brew store came over and we had a really great time. We had many different discussions about beer and feminism and rap and it was quite lovely.

I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is knowing that you are always by my side.

You're back from the potty!!! Can't let you in on this secret quite yet!!!

Your's
M

8-2

Hello my love,

I am tummy sick because you were tummy sick. We do love sharing with each other,don't we?

I don't think I tell you enough how much I appreciate the fact that you always show love. Love is a verb, thank you so much for not having to say that you love me out loud  (but thank you so much for actually saying it.)

You are currently making me soup from scratch and I'm posted up in the yogi yogibo on the kitchen floor with a puke bucket next to me. I'm sorry that I got so sick bub. Thank you for always taking care of me. These moments really feel like forever to me. 

Your new laptop comes in tomorrow!! For whatever reason they sent it to Texas... what butts.

Anyways, I love you. I hope that you know how much I love you without me having to say words. I always always always want to be showing you how much I love you

Xoxo
M

https://youtu.be/doZOMXh_oIk

7-7

Hey baby!

You have been really stressed out about work lately. I wish I could do something to help because you get so stressed out and I feel bad. I know that it sucks so much that they expect you to do so only so much in such a little time frame. I wish that I could help make it not so horrible or be able to take something off of your work plate.

This weekend you're going to Buffalo with out me to clean out your old room and go through your old stuff. I wish I could explain in a better way how much I would want to go with you. I know that my reaction when I saw the picture in your old apartment of Amanda with your family really impacted you. I wish I could understand how to explain it to you better than it's different for you to have something in New Hampshire versus something that's hidden in your bedroom in Buffalo.

When I was cleaning out my old bedroom I found so many things and reminders of experiences and artifacts of things that I've never even thought to tell you about. I want to know everything about you I want to know how you got to me. I know it's weird to hear from me but I really do want to know about the path that you took to get to me, and I know a big part of that is who you have been with romantically or just physically.

I just want to be able to see like a little baby awkward Kevin. I want to see horrible chess club pictures and learn about different stories and hear about your experiences for things. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I have changed my mind earlier. The way that you had talked about it made me think that you didn't want me to go. It was never a question of if I wanted to it was more of a statement of "you're going to hate your life."

I really do hope that you read this and reminisce on how much of a fun time you had while you were in Buffalo.

I love you so much baby.

Xoxo
M

6-20-16

Hello my love,

We have both been so lovey lately, its so wonderful. Today is the first official day of Summer and it fucking shows. Its about 92* right now and we're both struggling...

I cannot wait until you finally get all of this, I hope you like it.

This past weekend was Matt and Rosa's party. We had a really good time and held our own in pong for like three games. I love when we do things as a couple. Going somewhere and walking in with my hand in your hand. There's something about being seen as your's that makes me feel so proud. I always seem to walk a little straighter and feel a thousand times sexier when I'm by your side.

You're home and I'm not good at being sneaky with this.

I love you!

xoxox M

6-5-16

hello baby,

We've been arguing and talking about sensitive topics (I.e. Marriage and stuff) a lot while you've been in Arkansas.

Last night I just sat in bed and cried. I cried because I miss you and I don't like not knowing what's coming. I cried because it's hard for me to imagine you on one knee. I cried because I feel like I'm failing at womanhood or being sexy or making you love me to the point that it's irrational simply because we aren't engaged yet.

I don't even know what to say about it right now but you're on a plane and it's raining and I'm really fucking nervous.

I just need your arms around me and your hand on my fave and your lips on my lips: I need to look at you and know that we're going to be okay. We're going to be okay, right?

My brain isn't working well and I needed you this week and you couldn't be by my side and truthfully I was really hurt that everything happened the way it did. That you never even thought to ask Chris if I could come... I think it's worse because you're never like that. You always remember. You always go above and beyond.

My head hurts.

You're supposed to land soon and I am so ready for you to be home baby.

I love you even when it's hard to. I love you for the person you are. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Whenever you're ready to ask me, I already know my answer.

I am the luckiest.

Xox
M

5-3-16

Hello my handsome man,

Today I brought my first suitcase to Wilton. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 😊😊😊

I'm currently laying in bed because my heart is pounding so hard it's a little scary. I wish you were here to hold me and tell me I'm safe. I told you I was having anxiety issues and you sent me this: 

"*hugs tightly and pulls you tight against me* I'm always here for you darling, I'm here to support you, love you, make you unable to walk, to protect you, to help you succeed and grow in everything you do. I'm yours and you are mine, and with that being true, we can accomplish whatever we want to put our minds to"

I hope that when you read this, you still feel like this. 

6-1-16

Hello Dearest,

I am currently concussed so this might not be a very long entry.. (Also Ryan is yelling at me to get off of my phone, he is making me say that.)

I'm sorry it's been such a long gap between entries. Between moving in(!!!) and getting the promotion , things have been crazy.

You left for Chris's wedding today. I know you're going to have so much fun and I'm so excited for you! I know seeing Chris is such a big deal for you and you get to spend so much time with him this week!!!

I'm so nervous that you're away and my brain is so weird right now. I always feel better when you're around. I was iffy most of today until you came home...

I feel like I'll be writing here a bunch while you're away telling you all of my misadventures with doctors and bullshit. Because I'm going to want to tell you all of that but I don't want to disturb you. I never want to seem like the "CRAZY GIRLFRIEND". I never want to be someone that holds you back from doing things like this weekend.

I'm sorry that "bachelor party" has such negative connotations in my head... I trust you more than absolutely anyone in the universe. I just don't trust anyone else... I know that things happen, but I never want anything like that to get in between us.

You are the love of my life and I'm so excited to meet Chris someday. (Hopefully before our wedding.)

I am so excited to have you in my arms again my love.

Your's always,

M

5-2-16

Hello my wonderful, handsome man,

We are having the first conversations about me moving in with you... 

It's such an exciting and new and fun thing but at the same time, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm scared I'm not making enough money to do this, I'm scared that we're going to implode, I'm scared we're going to fight.

I want this. I want to start building our life together. I want to call your place home. I believe we're ready for this. But, it's not an apartment, it's a HOUSE. 

I don't know if I can explain this properly or in a way that will make any sense. When something breaks at your apartment, you call your landlord and ask for the to fix it. If you aren't happy in that apartment, you leave the next year. There are utility included options. There are so many things... I guess I wish we had met a year earlier so that we would have an apartment not a house, I suppose. But I don't mean that because you love your house... I wouldn't want to take that away from you. Maybe this will all work out and we won't have to worry about me being Israel anymore. 

But I'm not ready to have a house to take care of. I want to live with you, but thinking about the upkeep makes me want to throw up. Thinking about what would happen if I couldn't pay as much as you wanted me to makes me want to shoot myself. Maybe you can be my landlord and I'll pay you in rent or something. I don't fucking know.

I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want this to be the eyeopening "wow, I really could be doing better than this bitch." Moment for you. 

So it's currently 4:27am and I'm applying for jobs that will give me more money so that I can live with you and not live off of Ramen and the salt from my own tears.

****


It's technically midnight so realistically I should make a post for tomorrow.. Whatever ✌🏻️

Cleaning out my room today was such a "holy shit this is actually happening" moment for me. I'm still really nervous that this isn't going to pan out after we have the money conversation. I don't know. Realistically I already "live there" so maybe you're going to think of it more like any form of rent would be a good thing...

I am looking into better jobs now though. I really want this to work... I want to live with you and share a closet and a house and all that stuff. I want to walk in and say "hey baby I'm home." Because you feel like home.

I wish you weren't on call this week so we could have all of these talks now and they wouldn't be hanging over our heads.. But I mean we have the rest of our lives to enjoy living together.

I love you so much Kevin. I am so excited to be making this step with you, to be working towards our life together and getting closer to each other :)


I love you bub.

Always your's,
m