6-20-16

Hello my love,

We have both been so lovey lately, its so wonderful. Today is the first official day of Summer and it fucking shows. Its about 92* right now and we're both struggling...

I cannot wait until you finally get all of this, I hope you like it.

This past weekend was Matt and Rosa's party. We had a really good time and held our own in pong for like three games. I love when we do things as a couple. Going somewhere and walking in with my hand in your hand. There's something about being seen as your's that makes me feel so proud. I always seem to walk a little straighter and feel a thousand times sexier when I'm by your side.

You're home and I'm not good at being sneaky with this.

I love you!

xoxox M

6-5-16

hello baby,

We've been arguing and talking about sensitive topics (I.e. Marriage and stuff) a lot while you've been in Arkansas.

Last night I just sat in bed and cried. I cried because I miss you and I don't like not knowing what's coming. I cried because it's hard for me to imagine you on one knee. I cried because I feel like I'm failing at womanhood or being sexy or making you love me to the point that it's irrational simply because we aren't engaged yet.

I don't even know what to say about it right now but you're on a plane and it's raining and I'm really fucking nervous.

I just need your arms around me and your hand on my fave and your lips on my lips: I need to look at you and know that we're going to be okay. We're going to be okay, right?

My brain isn't working well and I needed you this week and you couldn't be by my side and truthfully I was really hurt that everything happened the way it did. That you never even thought to ask Chris if I could come... I think it's worse because you're never like that. You always remember. You always go above and beyond.

My head hurts.

You're supposed to land soon and I am so ready for you to be home baby.

I love you even when it's hard to. I love you for the person you are. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Whenever you're ready to ask me, I already know my answer.

I am the luckiest.

Xox
M

5-3-16

Hello my handsome man,

Today I brought my first suitcase to Wilton. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 😊😊😊

I'm currently laying in bed because my heart is pounding so hard it's a little scary. I wish you were here to hold me and tell me I'm safe. I told you I was having anxiety issues and you sent me this: 

"*hugs tightly and pulls you tight against me* I'm always here for you darling, I'm here to support you, love you, make you unable to walk, to protect you, to help you succeed and grow in everything you do. I'm yours and you are mine, and with that being true, we can accomplish whatever we want to put our minds to"

I hope that when you read this, you still feel like this. 

6-1-16

Hello Dearest,

I am currently concussed so this might not be a very long entry.. (Also Ryan is yelling at me to get off of my phone, he is making me say that.)

I'm sorry it's been such a long gap between entries. Between moving in(!!!) and getting the promotion , things have been crazy.

You left for Chris's wedding today. I know you're going to have so much fun and I'm so excited for you! I know seeing Chris is such a big deal for you and you get to spend so much time with him this week!!!

I'm so nervous that you're away and my brain is so weird right now. I always feel better when you're around. I was iffy most of today until you came home...

I feel like I'll be writing here a bunch while you're away telling you all of my misadventures with doctors and bullshit. Because I'm going to want to tell you all of that but I don't want to disturb you. I never want to seem like the "CRAZY GIRLFRIEND". I never want to be someone that holds you back from doing things like this weekend.

I'm sorry that "bachelor party" has such negative connotations in my head... I trust you more than absolutely anyone in the universe. I just don't trust anyone else... I know that things happen, but I never want anything like that to get in between us.

You are the love of my life and I'm so excited to meet Chris someday. (Hopefully before our wedding.)

I am so excited to have you in my arms again my love.

Your's always,

M

5-2-16

Hello my wonderful, handsome man,

We are having the first conversations about me moving in with you... 

It's such an exciting and new and fun thing but at the same time, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm scared I'm not making enough money to do this, I'm scared that we're going to implode, I'm scared we're going to fight.

I want this. I want to start building our life together. I want to call your place home. I believe we're ready for this. But, it's not an apartment, it's a HOUSE. 

I don't know if I can explain this properly or in a way that will make any sense. When something breaks at your apartment, you call your landlord and ask for the to fix it. If you aren't happy in that apartment, you leave the next year. There are utility included options. There are so many things... I guess I wish we had met a year earlier so that we would have an apartment not a house, I suppose. But I don't mean that because you love your house... I wouldn't want to take that away from you. Maybe this will all work out and we won't have to worry about me being Israel anymore. 

But I'm not ready to have a house to take care of. I want to live with you, but thinking about the upkeep makes me want to throw up. Thinking about what would happen if I couldn't pay as much as you wanted me to makes me want to shoot myself. Maybe you can be my landlord and I'll pay you in rent or something. I don't fucking know.

I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want this to be the eyeopening "wow, I really could be doing better than this bitch." Moment for you. 

So it's currently 4:27am and I'm applying for jobs that will give me more money so that I can live with you and not live off of Ramen and the salt from my own tears.

****


It's technically midnight so realistically I should make a post for tomorrow.. Whatever ✌🏻️

Cleaning out my room today was such a "holy shit this is actually happening" moment for me. I'm still really nervous that this isn't going to pan out after we have the money conversation. I don't know. Realistically I already "live there" so maybe you're going to think of it more like any form of rent would be a good thing...

I am looking into better jobs now though. I really want this to work... I want to live with you and share a closet and a house and all that stuff. I want to walk in and say "hey baby I'm home." Because you feel like home.

I wish you weren't on call this week so we could have all of these talks now and they wouldn't be hanging over our heads.. But I mean we have the rest of our lives to enjoy living together.

I love you so much Kevin. I am so excited to be making this step with you, to be working towards our life together and getting closer to each other :)


I love you bub.

Always your's,
m

4-25-16

Hello my love,

 You've been so stressed lately. I wish I knew a way to make it easier for you. I do everything I know how to and everything I can think of to help, but sometimes I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like there is always something else I could do if I could only think of it. I don't know, I worry that I don't do enough to show you that I'm here for you. I know you're a very internal person and that it's hard to put your stress into words, so I try to push you to talk about it and I never know if that's helpful or hurtful. I promise I'm always just trying my best to help.

Lately we've been joking about what our first dance will be. Today you suggested Andrew W. K.'s party hard. I laughed so hard at work that I had to explain why I was laughing to a manager (who was right next to me). You always do put a smile on my face. Whether it's because you're being goofy or kind or sweet or just because I look at you and know that you are mine. I've been called so many things over the course of my life (both good and bad) but being called your's is my favorite and I think it always will be.

You're on call these next two weeks and I know that's your like least favorite thing ever. I am so amazed by how hard you work and it's clear that you're respected at work (even if you annoy people sometimes.) Maybe I'll try to do something fun for you while you're on call this time to make it suck a little bit less.

Fuck, I'm so in love with you. Sometimes when I write these I think about future Kevin reading all of this and wonder how you'll be then, how much we will have grown as people and as a couple. I wonder if you'll still have the mustache and how things will be with us.

You're home!!!

I love you so fucking much Kevin. I hope you see how much you mean to me.

Xoxo
M

4-11-16

Hello my love,

Your parents should be here any minute so naturally I'm freaking the fuck out and you aren't here to forehead kiss me better. I'm so sorry I've been so anxious. I know that its not always easy to deal with, but thank you for being so patient and loving about it always.

Hopefully I will not be so nervous and will be able to enjoy seeing your parents. I owe those people so much happiness. I know you don't always agree with your mom, but she gave me you... that's like incredible. That's the greatest.

Oh, bub. I wish you were here already. You would know what to say to me to make me calm down and stop freaking out like an asshole.

Cue the garage door. Perfect timing my love.

I love you so much
M